....just leave earlier...

We woke to a rainy morning... 11 minutes after my alarm went off I decided to roll over and snuggle with hubby.  Six minutes after that I decided I needed to get out of bed at least 15 minutes ago... I had a late night last night... Mia didn't want to go to bed by herself, which meant that she was going to bed at the same time I did. 
It's difficult to do what I've planned to get done before bed when my girls want to sit on my head or my lap and not let me move. But I press on.  Time flew by... before I knew it, it was midnight. Six o'clock comes early when you're not in the bed until after 12AM.   I really need to get a better handle on managing my time at home. Easy to say...
I've been spending time with LuLu in the mornings before school... driving her to school because it's on the way to my work.  But sadly, she's been tardy several times and her teacher has told her to get to school earlier.  We did well with it until this morning... time got away from me again... and we left late.
I came to a stop sign just before the school.  I made sure to stop because my dad had gotten a ticket at that very stop sign a few years ago.  When I pulled out there was a White Suburban coming, but I thought he was far enough away and was going slow.  Well about a mile later... the white Suburban pulls me over - it was a cop.   Cop says he pulled me over because I pulled out in front of him, then sped up to catch up with the traffic in front of me and it was reckless for me to do that.  I apologized and told him that I'd thought I had plenty of room and the only reason I'd sped up was because I was trying to get my daughter to school. (literally 200 feet away).  He did the license and registration bit... and let me just tell you I was scared silly!  I don't need or want a ticket and I truly don't want to tell my husband that I got a ticket trying to get our daughter to school on time. (he wouldn't be mean... it was just be embarrassing)
The officer let me go... saying "Make sure to leave earlier."   I was so relieved !!!

School is drawing closer. And closer.  
Lulu had "orientation" today.  Basically we all went in, got some papers, they took the kids to another room (where I'm told she played with play-doh) and then the principal went over the do's and don't's for the fresh meat new parents. 
My 5 year old now has:
A PIN number to get her food.  she will go through line and is expected to remember a 5 digit code in order to access money that I put in her "account" for breakfasts/lunches. 
Split classes!  We were told today that she'd have a certain amount of time in one class with the entire class (ex. 20 kids)  Then half would do one thing while the other half studied that subject more in depth.  Um... okay?! 
Don't know how it will work... but I guess I'll have to hang on and see, right?
Then she meets her teachers in a few weeks, this was just a "meet the school" sort of thing.
Punk has two days for his orientation, the 10th and the 19th - I'm hoping at least one won't conflict with golf  or vice versa.  He's also talking about participating in the bowling league.  He bowled last year as well. But I've explained to him that he won't be able to bowl if there are alot of golfing to be done on Saturdays, it just won't be possible.
Baby Girl... well - she's 3 months - smiling her little gummy smiles, nursing, sleeping, and just smelling like heaven on earth. 
I'm so blessed.

Too many Voices

Yesterday was our daughter's 5th birthday and of course Sunday was Father's day. So, instead of spending Sunday cleaning the house I decided to spend it with my husband and the girls. I probably shouldn't let that happen again, let me explain.
The party is scheduled for Saturday.. everyone that I can think of has been invited, Including my husband's parents. Yesterday at around 10AM we get a phone call. My husband's parents have decided that they're going to drive down to surprise Lulu on her birthday. Well, not only did that surprise her but it also caught me completely off guard. I haven't been spending every waking moment cleaning because I've been spending it catching up on sleep and getting used to having a new baby in our family. But, needless to say I get a little freaked out when I don't have things cleaned the way I think they should be. Then double that when unexpected company decides to show up. Feels more like a surprise inspection than a visit.
Usually when I feel this way it reminds me of conversations that my paternal grandmother would have with me. She would talk about how awful of a housewife my mother was. She would tell me that my mother had stolen quilts from her. We lived next door to her until I was 14 and at one point she showed me pictures that she'd taken of the rooms in our house while we weren't home. Mind you, this irritates me to no end. She actually took the time to go into our home, take pictures, and have them developed so that she could have something to be upset about (or "proof" that she had a "reason" to be upset). Not only that but she had the nerve to discuss MY mother with ME. How exactly was I supposed to feel about that? "Oh, thank you Grandmother, for showing me that no matter what I can count on you to sneak around behind our backs to pick to death what we are and aren't doing!!" "thank you for showing me that Mom doesn't clean to your standards (bi the way, what are your standards? cause you never showed me either)
I'm working on putting my grandmother's voice out of my head and instead building routines that will help me keep house the way I want to.

Transition...

LuLu stayed home with us yesterday because we were scared that she might be exposed to whatever bug was making us sick so we kept her home from daycare. When I needed to leave the house to take Punk to guitar lessons, LuLu didn't want me to leave. She doesn't normally act that way. Then Hubs mentioned that it would be that way when she got ready to go to school.
I've been under the impression the entire time that we would continue to take LuLu to daycare until she started school. I believe that it will an easier transition for her to go from daycare to school rather than home with me and the baby to school.

We have another uninvited guest: The Stomach Bug

sick, sick, sick...
I left work early last Wednesday(at 3pm) because the sitter called, "LuLu's throwing up." So, I go pick her up and the first thing she says is "where's daddy?" (I love you too, Sweetie) Hubby came home early because I needed to go to sleep so that I could work that night and stay home with Lu the next day. While he was home he started feeling bad.
Early Friday morning around 3am, Punk texted me let me know that his stomach hurt and was growling. I told him to go prepare his bathroom, just in case. You know make sure there was toliet paper, wipes... and he may want to make a bed in the hall. (Since LuLu and Hubby are both piled up in the livingroom near the half bath) About 30 minutes later he text me that he'd just thrown up 8 times. So, it was official everyone's sick.
I was hoping that I'd made it through the thick of the sickness without any problems. And then came Monday.
I went out on the paper route, didn't feel very different.. one of Hubby's friends called me and we talked for most of the time that I was on the route. When I got home I was a little wired so I worked on a puzzle that I'd started on the dining room table, then I went to take a shower. That's when I got sick. The heat in the shower.. I thought I was gonna pass out.. no matter what I did to the temp of the water.. UGH! I got out laid down for a bit.. and went to work. By noon I knew I wasn't gonna make it the rest of the day. And by 4pm I was on the way home. I won't go into details but I will say that my stomach was rolling and it wasn't from the baby. When I got home, Hubs told me he'd also gotten sick, very sick. So, he and I have spent the last two days sick as dogs. I have been on the couch in the livingroom and Hubs has been in the masterbed room sleeping in the floor near the bathroom.
I'm begging you... please wash your hands!!!

I'm not ready for this...

LuLu is 4yo now. And she's becoming more and more interested in the world around her... Why does Daddy have to work? Where is Punk? Why does Punk's daddy live far away... I miss him?
Some of these questions I have answers for... some I feel like an utter idiot for the kind of answer I have to give her... (Wait til your 30, Marry for love and only once... "do as I say" bullshit) and some of them... well alot of them are the sort of questions that make me have so many emotions that it's just hard to explain. Daydream with me a minute...

I picked up LuLu from the sitter yesterday. She toddled her little entirely-too-pink self to the car and crawled inside. "Did you have a good day at work, Mommy?" as if I could pour out my soul to her and she in return ready to bare the same for me... although I doubt the scuffle of her best friend, Jada, saying that Ryan was actually her boyfriend and not LuLu's would compare to my "if I make it to January" in the position rumor mill going on in my life. But somehow I made my day magically, "Yes, I had a really good day. What did you do today?", a basic lie. She was satisfied.
I decided to run to the library and check out a few books on CD, so that I'll have something besides the same 'ol music to listen to while doing my paper route and we'd get back home quickly.
Once home we changed into our pjs, like we always do and I started supper. LuLu normally helps if I'm making something with fresh veggies. Today she couldn't help though and occupied herself by "reading" a story to her 5 babies all conveniently named Sally.
I lost track of her for a few minutes, reading directions to a new 'box dinner" I was preparing.. (Cashew Chicken - yummy!) and she called for me from the bathroom. This usually means I have to wipe her bottom... she's currently only allowed to clean herself after she pee's. Anyway, I get into the bathroom to find her standing waiting for me. She looked up at me, smiled and then IT happened. She, standing with her legs shoulder width apart, bent her legs slightly, lunged her "lily' upward, spread the hood of her vagina open with her fingers and said... "What's this?" My eyes widened and I looked to see if she was pointing to a boo boo, a red lily... who knows what else... but only to find that she has discovered her clitoris!! (Really!? Do I really have to explain what that is!? NOW?! TO A 4 YEAR OLD??? And mind you... not just any 4 year old. This child has one helluva memory on her. To the point that I would almost bet, if she thought about it, could tell you what her own birth was like. So I know that whatever I tell her is going to be not only remembered but taken for gospel - which on a daily basis scares the livingshit out of me!)
I tried not to run, not to burst into laughter, not to 'poo poo' her question... the LAST thing I want is a child who's scared of their body... My first thought after that was "do I say clitoris to her?" then 'wait, if I say clitoris to her... she'll say clitoris to EVERYONE" I opted for the nearest thing to it that I could say without giving it an additional nickname "it's just a part of your lily, honey." Her imidiate response was one that I felt coming... "But it's so soft, Mommy... why is it so soft?" Good grief?! was the bathroom getting smaller? I felt like I was on one of those eerily silly tv shows with canned laughter and all cameras poised for my next response... "Well, it's soft because girls parts are supposed to be soft." Honest, to the point, good one, unfortunately... she determined that it was also deserving a response and I hadn't anticpated it until she began to speak again.. "Ick, and boys parts are NOT soft, Mommy!"
Sigh! Touche my darling!

It's been difficult for me to post anything to my blog. I don't have access from work anymore, because our computer time is logged including emails. So that's out. And well, as I've said before.. I really don't have time to do anything at home and I'm trying to squeeze in time to clean.
I'm not used to not having time to clean. I'd had everything down to a science before I got the second job. Well, before I had LuLu anyway...
It's amazing how stressed I get over work, money, lack of time, etc. It's just as amazing how much better cleaning my home makes me feel. Weird, huh?!
Punk is coming back in a week! I can't wait! I've missed him so badly. It'll be nice just to have him where I can see him again. His birthday is Saturday. He'll be 13. I asked him what he'd like for his birthday and he couldn't name anything. So, I've been thinking of getting something. There's one thing that I had in mind. Well, at least one thing that's not incredibly expensive... but we'll have to see how it goes.
My first job is still up in the air... from what people are saying -- we won't really know for sure that we actually have a job until well after January.
Also, I'm trying to come up with a way to show Punk about earning money and paying bills Without using my actual money or bills.
Well, it's 9pm and I have to be up at 1:45AM...

Two full days left...

We're packing at work... in addition to preparing for a week long out of state training class. The entire team of people that I work for, total 18, will be moving our desks, work items, and personal items from the 2nd floor of the building to the 3rd floor. Some of us have been here 20 years, so you can imagine the extent of the move.
I've been here 11 years and this is my 5th move in 3 years. I decided a couple moves ago... less is much much more... so I've taken nearly everything home. I still have pictures, and the odd little desk thing that would have no place at home... like a fan, a zen garden, and a small gargoyle named Fluffy.
I still need to have the majority of my supplies here near me so... the only things that I can move are personal items... So, I'll be doing that today..
Thinking about going to a waterpark for like a day or weekend (if we could stay at a campground for super cheap)
Punk went to a nearby State Zoo today... he's sent me pics of a zebra and a flamingo. So, it seems that he's having a good time.. from the pics it also looks as though it's not raining there (it is here, has since yesterday)
LuLu told me yesterday... "You know dat I'm going wif you to Nof Carlina nes week, wight Mommy?"
In addition to all this... There are 3 ladies that do what I currently do. I've already been told that one of them is moving to another position. And that the New Owners don't have a position that does what I currently do and that no one is sure "what my roll will be when we get back from training"
...makes me nervous....

I've got $160, that okay?

Hubs, LuLu and I drove to the place that we always meet to exchange Punk with his dad yesterday. At 5pm, an hour earlier than normal. LuLu sang at the top of her lungs for what we thought was the entire 34 miles, at some point during the drive I looked behind me to see her slumped over with her mouth agape... in the midst of uncomfortable sleep.
That's how she fights off sleep now... I forget until she does it again. Used to be that she and I would take the same drive by ourselves... and she, just a baby then, would scream the entire 34 miles back home. Never quite sure what she was so upset about... I tried everything. I thought about it being that Punk was suddenly gone from her sight but, then nothing I can do about that. So, I tried other things... leaving the light in the car on.. talking to her.. different toys... a movie... I would call people and have them talk to me just so I could get the schrillness of her pitch out of my head. It felt as though sometimes she was trying to over power the entire car with that out of control screaming. My Dad, forever the upstanding parent... "you got more patience than I got. I'da dun worn 'er ass out!" For what? I have no idea. What "wearing her ass out" would've changed? I haven't a clue. What I do know is there wasn't any point in me pulling off the side of an interstate to have a screaming match with an infant (literally from 1 month until she could speak well) let alone pulling over to "wear her out" which in my opinion would've only made matters worse. I finally reached behind me one day and just stroked her foot with my hand... she immediately stopped crying. It was very uncomfortable to drive that way but then so was driving while my ears were bleeding.
We pull up, we wait and wait and wait. The show up.. Punk and Ex. Punk always looks skinnier and taller when we get him back. He has his patch on, I can tell. How long he's had it on, I don't know and won't know for sure until it starts to wear off. I tell Ex about a bill that I got in the mail for Punk's allergy shots... $170. "okay" he said... nothing more.
Just now he called. "I only had $160 on me, but I put it in your account."
"that's fine, thanks!"
I told my friend at work.. if he'd been half the man he is now.. we'd probably still be together. But I know I can't truthfully say that... because it's this guy that he is with everyone that has always been the cool one. It's the personal guy, the one you marry and work with (trust me cause I did both) that becomes the mind numbing asshole that you want to tie to a tree in some remote wilderness somewhere... whoops sorry.. carried away again. Anyway, it's that guy that never clicked with me.

I lurves it when I'm Spanx'd

I've done it... I bought Spanx!!! I love them!!
I'd heard oodles about them and saw the inventor on The Rebel Billionaire a few years ago. So, after going online yesterday and seeing that a local store, within a mile of my home, sold them; I to go there. She told me on the phone that I could try a pair of them on and see what I thought. I snatched Lulu from the sitter and off we went. Bi the way... did I mention that the shop is an ab-fab little wedding/prom dress store?! You should have seen the look on Lulu's face. She thought she'd died and gone to dress-up heaven! For the next few mintues you could hear me explaining "our hands belong to us"... which is usually followed by LuLu either holding her own hands or shoving her hands in her pockets. This time was a little bit... well alot different.
"look, mommy, I like this pink one"
"uh, huh' reading the Spanx package
"look, mommy, this one is be-u-ti-ful"
"yes, it is'
"oh, mommy, how ad-dord-able"
"LuLu DO NOT TOUCH THE WHITE ONES!!!"

finally they showed me to a nice sized room, and how wonderful that I had Lulu there to narrate the happenings inside our dressing room for those that weren't allowed visual access...
"mommy, why are you getting naked?"
"mommy, you're too big for that... look (she got down off her chair and came over to my leg and rubbed it) your leg is all red right here"
well, after her portion of the performance was over I tucked everything in, stood up and sighed... to my disbelief I could still breathe! Nothing snapped, crackled, ripped or popped loose...
and it felt great! I took that pair off... and put on the size that the package recommended for my height and weight. It was very loose in comparision to the first pair.
I bought two of the first pair and promptly took LuLu out of the store, before I owned a wedding dress with handprints on it.

I put on a pair this morning... along with my jeans from last year... Hmmmm - why have I been waiting to get this.. nifty little tummy tuck in a pretty blue wrapper...
no muffin top...
no bluge
no squirming on the bed/floor to get them up
no reciting my favorite swear words to suck in the apartment of stretched skin that my won-der-ful children left when they came into this world.

wow. maybe I should buy a few more. Nah... I will buy more..

ps... since I'm blogging from work I can't add the nifty little pics that I like to put on...
so here are some links for your shopping pleasure...

http://www.spanx.com
http://www.spanx.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2990106&cp=2992553.3010023&parentPage=family

There isn't enough Calgon in the world...

Last Thursday morning was a complete nightmare... I woke out of a sound sleep and thought "OH DAMMITT, I'm late for work" grab my cellphone to find out why it didn't alarm and wake me. It hadn't gone off because it was 11PM, NOT 2:15AM..grrrr! I went back to sleep.. got up when the alarm went off, got dressed, fed the cat, and left. Got to the drop site to pick up the papers.. the back sections are there... but no front sections. I'm told the fronts won't arrive until AFTER 4AM. I decide I'm going to try to sleep. No point in worrying about something I have no control over. Got no sleep. The papers arrive at 4:30AM! I do my route and get to the very end... short. I'm missing 5 front page sections!! ARRGGGHHH!!! We are currently doing a promotion.. anyone signed up for the paper gets the paper daily, even if their subscription is say Sunday only or Weekends only. So, in an effort to not drive 20miles out and back to buy the 5 papers I needed and go home. I find 5 boxes that are weekends only and remove the papers, take them to their respective boxes and go home. On the way home, I call Punk. He gets on the bus at 7:45AM, I'm 20 minutes from home and it's 7:30AM (normally I'm home again by 6AM....
"Please don't get on the bus. I'm running late, I'll take you to school." he's groggy, but agrees. I ask him to go take the phone to Lulu.
"good mornin' mommy"
"LuLu, I'm still out on my route, I need you to get up and get dressed."
"can I wear a dress today mommy?"
"No, not today, just get some jeans and a nice top. I'll be home in a few minutes and I'll take you to the sitters and Punk to school"
"Okay"

So, I run home - my hair practicly on fire... get there... she's dressed but in a tank top and Easter hat ONLY. I rush to get her dressed. Punk says that he has taken care of his morning chores and then askes me this question "Mom, Why didn't you want me to ride the bus? Why did you want to take me to school?"
My thoughts at the time escape me. I remember word for word what I said though "What time did I get home?"
"8:12"
"What time do you get on the bus?"
"Well, it's not always the same time, sometimes he's late, sometimes he's ear..."
I cut him off... "roughly, what time?"
"7:45"
"okay, so... just looking around the room... would anything have been out of place, if you had gotten on the bus? Would anyone have still been at home, when you got on the bus?'
his answer was simple..... "oh"
from then on my day got real bad real quick.
I left my keys inside the house. went back in for them, she exclaimed that she wanted water to drink on the way to the sitters. I told her she could wait til she got there, after all it was a 6 minute drive...
She continued with her demands, my blood boiling I lost my temper... told her to go get in the car. Grabbed a bottle from the fridge and my keys and went back out to the car.
Half way up the street, "Punk, today is the day to turn in your spring picture order form. but I will order them online, you won't need to turn it in."
"no, Mrs. Teacher said we have to bring the order form in, I have to take it in, I have to"
"No, I'll order them online."
"no, I need the oder form, we have to turn them in"
My car screeches to a halt. I do the worst job of turning around my small little Yaris... like a 4 point turn... go in.. steaming... about to explode.... grab the order form... take it back out to the car. I show Punk.
and read aloud... "Steps to order... 1, 2, 3,4. OR...you can go online at blah.com and order. Punk, the word 'OR' means that if you choose to do this... you don't have to do this other shit!"
"fine, I didn't know that it said that you could order it online....'
"except for the 3 times I just told you that I would order them online.. but that's not good enough for you... you have to get me to this point... you have to make my ears bleed before you will listen to what I'm trying to do for you."
He's silent.
I continue fuming as I drive the two of them to the end of the street. Explaining to them that they are 10 years apart and yet I can not understand how they still fight as though they are the same age. That I can't take it... that I see them for two hours a day (during the week) and the entire time I see them the are fighting with each other or me. That I will probably have to continue with having two jobs for the next 5 years and I will not continue listening to them fight. I explain to them that they aren't allowed to speak until they get where they are going.
By the time I reach the end of the street.. I'm in tears... I call the admin that works for my boss.
"I'm not well, I'm not going to be able to come in today, I will not be pleasant'
"are you okay... is everyone okay?"
"everyone is fine.. but I've had it and I need to stay home and rest or I'll exlpode" still crying.
she agrees, "call me if you need me or anything"
nothing more was said by Punk until we got to his school.. I hate mornings/days/times like this... and would rather have hugged him and told him I was sorry and once again... I just want him to listen and help and understand.. but no... Its all been said and heard and it's worn out. I just worry when we fight that every time I see him could be the last time I see him and .....then what?
"Try to have a better day, honey."
he gives me the classic teenager "go to hell and die bitch" look and says "yea, I'll try" and walks inside.
I drive away... I've stopped crying, thinking about what an awlful, horrible, piece of trash mom I've become... and LuLu from the back seat says...
"I'm sorry that we made you upset and that we fight, mommy." she starts crying.
I try to console her.. she understands way more than she should for her age. I apologize for angry words and tell her over and over that I love them both. she knows that and at least she still wants that love for now.
I take her in.. tell the sitter that LuLu might be in a bad mood today, that it's my fault and that we had a horrible morning. tell her some of what happened... she has three boys, and yes, still runs a daycare out of her home. The woman is a SAINT in my opinion.
I go home, wait for Hubs
I tell him that he almost came home to my shirt soaked in blood and explain what happened...
he's sympathetic. he's told me before he wouldn't be able to do what I have to do. We eat breakfast, we shower.. together, always together. and we go to sleep.

another routine

Funny how plans or goals are ever changing. I brought a notebook to work today to jot down some things that I need to start doing.. a routine if you will, anyway I'd found a list of things that I wanted to try to start doing, didn't happen. I'd become very routine for some reason... and I was happy with it. Punk had gotten to a self sufficient stage and I was able to do things around the house without the need of much worry over him. Then along came LuLu and well for lack of better terms.. my routines were shot to hell. Then I tweaked and twittled, messed and fussed til I got another routine figured out. Then without warning a job change. (same employer different position) Good for family... bad for routine... again with the messing and tweaking. A new routine.. and BAM... the paper route. Now my idea of a routine is leave my primary job.. try not to sit down while making supper (I'll fall asleep), eat, a little tv with the family, shower and off to bed. It's becoming a trial to make it to 8:30PM without falling asleep.
I feel like having a routine helps me get things done. And that if I could start a routine, doing these things consistently each day well... it might become easier to juggle all these balls... that's how it's been in the past for me... minus the second job of course.
Needless to say that all the things on the list that I found no longer apply. Some do.. like "lessen the sugar intake" (I have a problem) or "dog's to dog park once a month" not that they need it, they play in our backyard just fine. but I'm all about an occasional change of scenery. Some don't like "get into a bedtime routine" that one has pretty much been taken care of... No staying up til 2AM for me anymore.. I'd never sleep if that was the case.

Como say What?!

I received word today that I may have to go to another city to train on new systems for a week in June for 1st job. I'm not sure that I like the idea... I mean sure... a get-away would be nice. I could send Lulu to her grandparents. Punk would be nearly finished with this school year, I shutter to think of it. Hubby would have to work, so he wouldn't be able to come... But I would literally have to PAY someone to work 2nd job for me. **THIS ISN'T THE REASON I HAVE 2ND JOB** so, needless to say... I'm a little sketchy about it.
We have a meeting tomorrow at lunch with Punk's principal and assistant teacher. Punk made a confession to his dad over the weekend that he was being bullied by two boys, and has been all year. I know that Ex is coming down, I thought that Step was too but it didn't sound that way when I spoke with Ex today. Hubby won't be there, I'll just leave that alone.

Thursday Challenge "Experimental"

This is my daughter "LuLu" and one of my first attempts and changing adding color on a sepia pic

enjoy

Catching up, Again.

More things to catch up on... I don't even know where to start.... so here goes.
I had made up my mind at the end of last year that I was in too much pain to continue dealing with my endometriosis. Went to my dr. discussed options and had decided to have a hysterectomy. (much to my drs. disappointment) A couple of weeks went by, I started talking to women going through the same pain and stress. I read up on hysterectomies and then I started reading up on IUDs. Alot of information is out there about IUDs and alot of it came back to the IUD actually causing my pain. I made another decision. Let's take the IUD out, see if the pain changes. If it doesn't then okay, if it does then we'll see. I went in told my dr what I wanted to do, he agreed. It was as though he literally pulled the pain away from my body when he took out the IUD!! I had been in such life altering pain before that... to the point that I had to force myself to function, or to get out of bed. It was a nightmare. The next few days were kind of a start over... a little bit of pain but nothing close to what I was used to. Then, after that.... nothing. Just nothing! No pain at all. I cancelled the hysterectomy and went on birth control pills and haven't had that kind of pain since.
Coupled with the bodyaches I started having major headaches in August. Daily headaches. I let them go.. didn't think much of it really. Until the first of the year rolled around and I was still having them. I finally decided to go to the dr about it. She set up an appointment for a CT scan. When that came back I went to a ENT specialist. She decided that, since my sinus cavaties were completely blocked, and since I had a deviated septum and a bone spur in my sinus cavaty, I should have surgery on my sinus to correct and empty them. I had surgery April 4th. Came home the same day, went to sleep and woke up for the next 7 days long enough to change the gauze under my nose and take another Loritab and go back to sleep. By the next thursday I was able to wakeup and stay awake for longer. Two days later my headaches were back. Nothing had changed. I went to a Neurologist in May. He put me on an anti-inflamitory and a low dose anti depressant that he says they prescribe for headaches and sleepless nights. He also sent me for an MRI, that came back clean. So we've found nothing wrong so far....
My dad moved in with us. He had been employed in textiles and his company did a layoff right after the 1st of the year... he knew it was coming... grapevine, you know. Anyway, he's been looking for a job... found a couple but nothing seems to be the right fit. He went to a job fair last week... and was offered a job building "freight cars for the railroad." He goes on Monday to take test to see if his body qualifies as well. Cross your fingers!
I'm still employed at the same bank. But my old boss asked me to come and work for him temporarily in the mortgage area. That was in Feburary, I'm still there... and I love it!
Summer's coming and once again our Air Conditioner is on the fritz. I had decided that we weren't going to turn the a/c on this year - try to do better for the planet and save a little money at the same time. Then the temperature hit the 90s! Hubby has to sleep during the day because of his work schedule. So he's sleeping during the hottest part of the day with literally no relief. We've had problems out of our Central Air every year since we bought the house. (and the house is only five years old) Hubby asked is Stepdad to come take a look at it the first year and has trusted him to handle it every year since. But I'm through with that. We're going to get professionals here and soon. We turned the a/c on Thursday of this week... upstairs once again doesn't work, downstairs does though... so we've been sleeping in the livingroom since Thursday... not comfortable.
I started my Flylady program again.. to try to keep my stress level down and to a minium. With the heat and hubby's schedule it's been difficult to do my zone work and keep up with what I'm supposed to be doing. But I'm trying... and that's what counts - Babysteps back to my routine!

well that's me in a nutshell... except for I can't decide whether or not to have another baby. There are alot of sides to the issue.. Money, Lulu needing a sibling younger than she is, my age, the state of the economy or lack there of, not to mention the normal worries of will I be able to do it basicly on my own since hubby works Monday through Friday from 10pm to 12pm... I really don't know what to do or if I want to do anything...

Wordless Wednesday #8

My Littlest Helper

As you know I'm a mother. If you're a mother, or maybe even a father, you know that there is no way possible for you to have anytime alone. For example... let's say a quick, very needed trip to "the potty"..... Yea, if you're not a mom yet.. I beg you relish the time you spend in the bathroom! Go there now... I'll wait.....

Oh back so soon... were you followed? No... you lucky ass thang!
Okay so a couple of weeks ago I shacked up with the queen of all bummers... PMS. And of course my darling LuLu toddles into the bathroom with me. Minding her own business of course.. She had no idea what wonders were to come next. When I walked into the bathroom I grabbed a tampon from under my sink, sat down and started talking with her about her day.

Were you good a maw-maw & paw-paw's today? (not family, but conviently trained to be called it)
Yesh
Did you play with the babies?
Yesh
Did you have fun?
NO...Whas sat? (I'm not paying attention to her at the moment, I'm doing my business. She's walked over to me, is standing in front of me, looking betwen my legs, with her little forefinger pointing..)
What's what? ( I'm not going to try to make a big deal out of anything that happens in that area - the last thing I need is a teenage mother on my hands in 11 years or so.. give or take)
Whas sat? (I'll spare you the total details but let's just say she watched with amazement)
That's mommy's lily
Why?
Because mommy had to pee? (As I throw away the trash)
Whas sat?
Trash
Tra? (as she walks over to the trash can with her arm stretched out)
No, that's not for you. Trash is nasty. Please leave the trash in the can.
Na-ey?
Yes, nasty
Why?
Because that's mommy's tampon and you don't need to mess with it.
P-pon???
Yes mommy's P-pon.
Okay...
And that was that...

Now on the other hand EVERY time I go to this particular bathroom... she of course toddles along with me and offers me a P-pon. She's even handed me one a couple of times, Once she handed me one in an orange wrapper and when I told her No, I didn't need it and to please put it back. She did but got out one in a purple wrapper and said "Purpa P-pon?" Ah, my little helper... and so smart!!
She's such a big help, She's even offered her daddy a P-pon - HA!

Rambles

Nothing much going on today... You know how it is when the little one is sick all weekend, you've spent all the time that you remember catering to the desires of someone who can neither tell you what they want nor wants what you offer and now they are better but not enough to play in the next room.

I went to the house of a neighborhood friend who lost her mother a couple of weeks ago. They came from overseas and in their religion, I'm told, you are buried before the sunsets on the day that you die. Talk about quick... She got to spend about a month with her family and her mother before she went home. At any rate she was having friends and family over for a sort of memorial for her mother. It was nice. I didn't stay long, probably should have.

Last night I ordered the trailer hitch for my SUV. And got an email today that it was shipped. I had it shipped ground because the charge was only $.99 cents. I can't wait til it gets here. I'm gonna do my level best to have it put on the weekend that it gets here... I may even take the next day off just to drive it to my dad and have him put it on. I wanna get the camper out as soon as possible.

I took LuLu to the mall today. She is such a girlie girl. She has little habits built in already. When she gets out of the bath.. she likes to have lotion put on and her ears cleaned. She wants to brush her teeth and fix her hair. When she sees me putting makeup on she says "eye, mommy". I rub a empty eye brush across her eyelids and she runs to show daddy how pretty she is.. batting her eyes saying "pitty, daddy" So, today I decided that since we really hadn't gotten her anything for her birthday I would take her to the mall and buy her some lotion in tiny little bottles. When we got there I also to her to Claire's and she picked out two beaded necklaces that came with bracelets. She looked so cute carrying her little bag of jewelry to the next store. Walking with her little "this is my world" stomp.

This month's goals at work were far from being met. But I'm well on my way to next month's goals. I'm only hoping that I'll be able to work there for long enough to get a position that doesn't require "luck of the call"

I'm looking for a new template to switch to.. I like the picture that I use on top but I'd lile to have it skinnier or just change all together... I've looked around but I keep looking.

Back to Work

Tomorrow will be my first day back to work since last Friday. I had planned this long weekend last October when we have to turn in out "time off" requests at work. Needless to say, when I planned it I had no idea I would take the entire four days off. Unusual for me to be off four days in a row.

I've tried to spend a little time on my blog since I set it up. I've added what I can at this point... Still seems a bit naked though.. I'm going to be making a picture for my heading - I have it planned out it my head I just need to put it in motion.
LuLu had a nice couple of days with us... The sitter should have an interesting day tomorrow. She loves it when we are all together. She's been having an issue sleeping in her own bed recently. I blame it on me going to the gym. But I haven't stopped. She has always been very good about sleeping by herself. The only time we had had her with us was when she was sick. But I tried to put her down one night in her crib about a month or so ago, she wouldn't hear of it. She was asleep when I tried to lay her down and her eyes popped wide when she touched the sheets. I tried then to sleep in the floor near her bed... no luck. That went on for about two weeks.. I finally started putting her on the fold out toddler couch that she got for Christmas. This picture was taken with the "night vision" lens on my camera. Now she sleeps in the living room on her couch til I get ready to go to bed. Then I take her and her couch to her room. Then somewhere between 2am and 5am she comes to our room and gets in bed with me. It upset me at first. That I didn't know how to fix it. Couldn't get her comfortable again. Like I had so many times before. But then I realized something that totally helped me. She's going to be this age... ONE TIME. I could care less if she sleeps with me - I almost want her to sleep with me. In 10 years, she'll probably think I'm the dumbest woman on the face of the earth...and if I'm lucky it won't be any worse than that.



Punk is going to be 11 in August. As far as I'm concerned I'm watching his dad grow up before my eyes. Which is odd to say the least. He used to tell me how he was as a child, when we were married. I thought that it was like everything else he said - completely for attention or some sort of reaction. I try everything for Punk. I've tried reason, explanation, consequence.. nothing gets through... He doesn't understand plain english. And I say that with every bit of love that a mother could have for her first born son. I love him with my whole heart. Let me try to explain... just a bit. Punk has, among probably other things, ADHD. He is on medication for it. Which makes him a completely different person; In a Good Way! You can be in conversation with him... and he'll start going off on some tangent about something completely different - but in his head it's the same. If you say to him "It's raining cats and dogs" he will go to the window expecting to see them falling from the sky. And then give you a lecture on lying. But turn around and lie about something he did that was wrong.
I hope that one day that he will understand that I'm doing the best that I can for him. I admit, I get frustrated with him to quickly, or sometimes I think it's more with myself. I don't know which. I get upset with myself because if know one else understands him or can get through at least his own mother should, right?! I try to say things to him that I think he would understand, but he doesn't. I often wonder if he doesn't or can't or just doesn't want to understand. He is nearing puberty and I fear that every time we have a little fight he is getting further and further away from me. From trusting me.
He asked me on Sunday, "What is your worst fear?" Knowing that we had already discussed that his was death. And how I've explained to him that everyone at some point is scared of death or dying. But that it can't be stopped and shouldn't be something he fears. I told him, "My worst fear is you and LuLu growing up and hating me." I could live with just about anything else but being hated by my own children, it would destroy me.
He'll be going to his dad's for the summer soon. I would rather he stay with me and go to school year round than have a huge break in his learning. But this agreement was one that the ex and I made during our divorce. I have Punk during the school year minus every other weekend and He has Punk during the summer minus every other weekend. Holidays and Vacations are of course an exception. It works for the most part except every time Marcus comes home he hasn't been taking his medication and is just a little more rebellious. Something that I think his dad encourages. I've been told too many times that "one day he's probably gonna want to live with me". And I'm sure that it will happen - I don't need to be reminded of it. But I'm quite sure that it is just a little far from happening, because my dear ex enjoys being able to do what he wants, whenever he wants. Not to mention, he loves money. Sure he'll slip Punk the occasional $20 on their way to meet me. And yes, He completely paid off Punk's braces without a second thought - a total of over $5,300. But does he "support" Marcus. Nope. So, bitter though I may be but my husband and I pay for every daily expense that Punk has or needs. You name it.

Well, that's my mindless chatter for the day..