Going through the Motions

I honestly thought things would be different.  I mean I had an 8AM to 5PM (sometimes 6PM) Monday through Friday job, two kids and a husband. I gradually had to pick up the second job, 7 days a week, for four hours a day (delivering newspapers) because my husband and I felt as if we saw some changes happening at my office... a glitch in the force.  That was March of 2009. 
June of 2009 came and my team at work got sent to another office, in another state, to be trained for a week on upcoming system changes with a merger that was taking place.  The company had been bought. 
July 2009, We took the family to the beach for a long weekend. First time I'd ever stepped foot in the ocean. Loved it! 
September 2009 - Our surprise baby decided to make her intended appearance known.  Although it would take the entire month of September for the doctor and my body to be in on the surprise, the baby had her mind made up!
November 2009 - on the 18th I'd scheduled an appointment to get our first daughter's eyes checked.  She'd been "not" seeing things for a little while... the day before an announcement was made that there would be a meeting on the 18th and ALL were needed to attend.  I explained my appointment and was told I would need to reschedule. 
November 18th... The meeting was called to tell us (4 different buildings in three different states, at least 75 people) that we were no longer needed.  Thank you, Goodbye. 

Normally I would have been in panic mode.  But I saw it as an opportunity to reconnect with my family.  To be the mom I'd always wanted to be.  To be the wife I wanted to be.  So far... it's looking more like a pipe dream than I'd thought. 
I kept the newspaper gig.  So, I'm up between 3AM and 4AM, I go deliver papers for 2 and a half hours and come home, round trip and all = four hours. He watches the kids while I'm gone.  He currently works from 4PM to around 1:30AM.  Which also means he's used to sleeping until 11AM. 
Now that the baby is 10 weeks old she's started sleeping through the night. So he can get a full night's sleep, which is good.  But I usually don't get in the bed until 10PM or 11PM, then I'm up again at 3AM or 4AM and stay up all day until 10 or 11 again. 
I guess it's the scheduling of it all that's really got me down. 
I'm trying to clean, but it seems like everyone is sleeping so I can't vacuum or REALLY clean because I'll wake someone.  Then when they wake up it's almost lunch time.  So I try to have some sort of breakfast ready.  Then I try to have supper ready for him to eat with us before he goes to work and so that he can help with the baby while I'm cooking.  By the time supper is over, he's gone to work, I'm beat from being up all day.
I need to get a routine down before I go crazy.  I want to have the house in order but I'd also hoped to take a few classes this fall...  I just don't see adding more work to my schedule when I can't get the housework done.

Guilt

I feel guilty for sitting down to post anything... when there's housework to be done.

Should I stay or should I go now

20 more days left in my 60 day temporary contract at work. Then what will I be doing. Some days I could tell you that I want to continue to work. Other days... I really want to stay home, raise my kids, clean my house, grow a garden, can my veggies... I'm so torn.
I know it may not sound like a big decision to some people. But if you were truly given the option what would you do? There are so many things to consider. So many things to worry about.
They've talked about offering me additional time to work, with the intention that when I don't want to work anymore I just put in a two weeks notice and go home. They say at that point my severance package would kick in and it would be as they has planned it being back in November. Sounds a little too good to be true, coming from the same company who literally laid us off one day and asked us back the next.
With the baby due May 1st, The option of working an additional 60 days is a little tempting and also not. It'd be nice to work until the baby comes because that's what I've always done. But it'd also be nice to get the house in order and catch up on some sleep. Since I started working two jobs back last March my housekeeping and sleep have both gone downhill.
It won't be as though I've completely stopped working... I'll keep one job. The paper route seems like the obivious choice for right now. I don't need a sitter for that job, since Hubs is home when I'm doing the route. So that saves roughly $600 a month.
I'm babbling.. sorry. I'm just confused, it's so much easier making descisions that don't effect a family of five.

Punk asked me yesterday, via text message from school, if he could go to a dance after school today. We'd basically not had any problems so I said sure. His dances are usually no problem since they begin directly after school is over and you just go pick up your kid at 5PM. So, no running back and forth to home and school - easy peasy.
Last night he asked me for $4 for the ticket, oh "and can I have a $5 more for food?" I stopped at the ATM on the way home and got a $20 (the smallest bill that will come out of our ATMs) and gave it to him. Remembering that he only needed $9, I asked him to bring me the change after the dance.
When I went to pick him up, he handed me $5. The rest of the conversation went something like this...
"Where's the rest of the money"
"Huh, What money?"
"The rest of the money that you were supposed to have for change. I gave you a $20, you needed $9, there's supposed to be at least $10 in change here. And you just gave me a $5."
"Uh, I don't know"
"What do you mean you don't know, did you count the money you were given back?"
" uh, I guess so"
"Write down everything you bought and how much it cost"

So he proceeds to write down the ticket, two slices of pizza, a bag of chips and a drink - it came to $8.50.

"So, where is the rest of the money?'
"Huh, Mom I don't understand what you mean... "
"What you wrote down totals $8.50, right? You just gave me $5, right? What is 8 +5?"
"13"
"Yes, so we've accounted for $13.50 of $20, right? Where is the rest of the $20?"
"Oh! I don't know."
"Did you buy anything for anyone else?"
"Yea, No I mean No... I didn't"

like 15 minutes later at home... he's gathered $5 worth of change from what he says was his room, but only after I told him if he couldn't tell me where the money went that he owed me $5 and he would no longer go to the dances. Then I tried to go over the totals with him again.

"Did you buy anything for anyone else?"
"Yes, I bought someone a drink."
"Why didn't you write it down?"
"Because you said to write down what I bought. And I didn't buy it, I just gave them the dollar and they bought it"

Seriously, just between me and you... when I have these conversations with my extremely intelligent 13yo (who refuses to apply himself, even with temptations of love or money) I can literally here my brain stop and say... "Wait, What did he just say?" It's like my whole body pauses... to say... "can you say that again"

I love him with my entire being.. not divided by several others but the whole thing.. without my kids and my Hubs I ain't nothing... But I can literally have a conversation with my 4yo better, easier... than I can have the same conversation with my 13 yo.
Is it boys vs girls? Is it boy vs mom? Is it teenager vs stupid authority figure? Is it ADHD vs non-ADHD?
There's so much I want to teach him.. but we can't seem to get any of it broken down into parts that he will retain or for that matter wants to hear. So... do I give up? Let him find his own way with no guidance what so ever? I don't think that's the kind of mother I am... at least not for my 4yo... but he's almost demanding it.

I haven't posted since I left for training. Let me describe it to you... Sunday through Friday.. Hotel gives free HUGE breakfast ... then Work says 'we'll give you $50 per day to eat lunch and supper." Very nice of them right... sure!
Supper started with drink specials at the hotel or at nearby bars... let me explain..
Sunday - $2 domestic beers (hotel)
Monday - $2 mixed drinks (bar) the one I was drowning in was called a "Roofie Bomb" and was regularly $8 per
Tuesday - $1 beers (hotel)
Wednesday - drink all you can til 9PM - free (hotel)
Thursday - $2 drafts (bar)

I wound up getting back to the hotel most nights at 2am and back up again at 7am... Hubs was doing the paper route while I was there. I'd call him while I was going to bed and then when I got up... he just kept telling me to have a good time... and that he loves me...

When I got back I literally hugged Punk and then we drove him to meet his dad.. where he'll stay the entire summer.. I'll get him back the week before school starts.
Still trying to find out what I'm going to be doing for the new company.. but so far they've come up with a few things and I'm sure there's going to be more...
I've not been able to post from work because I'm told that the new company monitors EVERYTHING - so.. don't want anything like a post to send me packing

blah blah blah

Happy Monday people... I'm trying desperately to stay awake. I came into work today after being at 2nd job earlier this morning. There was work waiting on me this morning.... I've done that and am now trying to stay awake. I have drank all of my water and have had lunch. My XM radio is happily chirping songs at me from the coolest little channel I can find. *1st wave* (shameless plug) and I'm bored off my freakin' chair. I brought my book... I have a circle-a-word... if I start doing either of those shortly after you will hear the sound of my head as it crashes on the top of my desk.
I just text my sister.... hey... {whispering} I'm in the bathroom, call me and wake me up in 15 minutes.
she text me back..... {whispering} ... I can't I'm at work too. =)
haha! She lives in PA and I live in VA - don't know if I've told you that. We text much more than we call. We used to text each other when we saw a punch bug... now we text each other personalized license plates.
There's a tattoo festival going on here this coming weekend... Hubs has already said he wants to go.. I've made jokes about sliding under the needle and askin' some random artist to scratch my back with his needle... hahaha. We've both gotten two tats. Neither of us have tats that have anything to do with the other or their tats. His first was from a...looooonnnngggg time ago.. a playboy bunny with some sort of tribal banding stuff under it... near his left peck. (It is not the Hubs that I know and I probably would've done my best to suggest something else) and he got a tattoo of the symbol for his employer... die hard I know. Anywho... I have a Dr. Seuss character... He's a Yop. And he's from the book "One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish" other Suess characters that I want tattoos of are.... Lorax w/ Truffla Trees and I want my Yop to be given a Butter Battle Flag. I also have a beautiful lady with dragon wings on my left shoulder - she covers my entire shoulder. (picture from the top of my shoulder to where my bra strap is and then from side to spine - yes all of it, I'll post a pic) I'd asked her to have more boobs than she has but I think my tattoo girl thought I was joking. (I wasn't... boobs are good!) I told Hubs that I'm going to get another tat on my right shoulder... I've gone back and forth with what it should be... the exact same as my left only making them face each other... a guy in the same winged setup facing her... or my fav so far would be a floor length mirror and in the mirror a young girl/teen posed the same as my dragon lady... I dunno...

V trained me for the new route all last week. I want to tell you first and foremost... I love this chick. I won't go into too many details I know that that's totally unlike me but I know you'll forgive me. Surprising all the discussions complete strangers can get into in a car for 3 to 4 hours at 3AM. Such as... kids (take 'em or leave'em), husbands (same), previous jobs, previous lovers... we even talked about how nice it would be to have a wife.

I personally would love to have a wife. I know, I know for you diehards... that's what my husband is for... but sit back and think... much as you love him... does he do absolutely everything for you... that you do for him... sickness and health... can you share everything with him... when was the last time he took off to take care of you while you were sick? when was the last time you both had a spa day together? Now I'm not bashing men, least of all mine because he's done all these things and so much more.. especially since I now have two jobs...

Anyway, you know me... back to my story.. V and I are driving down this road wearing pajamas (I know lucky me,right!), putting papers in boxes, discussing life in general. We get to a box that was on vacation the week before she puts a paper in the box and begins to scream her head off. I look around for some sort of murdering idiot only to find that a bird has flown from inside the box into her Blazer. We both hop out and open all the doors. It finally flies away but not before it gave us its birdy lecture about waking it at 3:30AM and that we were not to disturb her eggs under any circumstances. Next night, nothing... in fact for two nights nothing... she must've hauled her eggs to a sitter and went to the Rockin' Robin for a little R&R before the babes are born. (... and who can blame her, one's enough let alone 3 or 4 hungry mouths, good grief!) But, low and behold, Saturday morning... Punk and I were out, my first night without my chaperone and he with only me for protection... I used my flashlight to see what there was to see... nothing... then I pulled up a little closer.. hoping I had the right angle and she wouldn't fly in if she was there. Still nothing, I slid the paper in nice and easy... didn't even put it all the way in the box. The BIRD is back... dun! dun! dun! Flew in the car... squawkin' I did the best I could not to scream... instead made some sort of muffled ew! ew! ew! noise. Punk, luckily was asleep but woke up after she'd flown out. Yea...just try to shew a bird out of your car... not sure what kinda she was but for our purposes let's go with wren. Either way... I wasn't very persuasive at first.. then just started talking to her.. and she apparently decided that people who beg wild birds to leave their car aren't that exciting and she left.
I called the owner of the box, sweet older couple. Introduced myself as the new carrier and mentioned the bird. They knew about the bird. Said that her husband had cleaned out the box last year and a new nest was build this year. I told her about the bird in the car and that I hoped they hadn't heard me. I asked if it would be okay if I threw the paper (in a bag) in their driveway. She said that would be fine and then after the babies are finished with the nest we plan on putting a "flap" on the entrance of the paperbox. (think the hole punch game on the Price is Right) It's normally used to keep people from stealing the paper but it will also keep birds from making nests in the box.
ps. door to door my new route is 70 miles. I doubled my subscriber amount and pay as well. We took the passenger seat out of my little car. Put in my XM Radio. Put deer whistles on the the front (LOTS of deer on my route). I recycle any papers that are left over after a week. not sure if' I've mentioned it before but if you don't already know, here Carriers buy their own supplies... meaning rubberbands and bags. To me, they should be supplied by the paper. Just another way I think I'm a little more OCD than other people. I have to rubberband the papers. They look better, easier to handle, and it keeps me busy while I ride from box to box. As far as the bags, if it rains or snows or you name it.. it goes in a bag. As well as if there is a paper that I have to put on a porch, especially in the country, I don't want someone spilling their coffee or an animal pee'ing on the paper. I could get blamed for it and there are only so many complaints that can be called in on me before I get written up.

another fine mess

'Ring, ring, ... Hello. This is ******** ******** "

"yes I'd like to get the rest of the nifty little pills that I ordered from you in March. Yes the ones that will help me have energy, curb my emotional eating, and shrink the fat that is located on my ass and various other parts of my body that I used to somewhat enjoy looking at... "

"Sure I'll be glad to help you with that... well what you need to finish out your 12 week program is 8 bottles of this and 4 bottles of that.... "

**me... waiting for the price..** "okay.... "

"okay, that comes to.... $855.00 plus shipping..."

THUD - (yes, that was my chin hitting the damn floor)

"or we can ship everything and take a few payments... "

she proceeds to give me figures if I wanted to pay in two or three payments, keeping in mind that my 12 weeks is up in June and I would need more of the first "little box" that came and was roughly the same price... STOP SCREAMING "DUMBASS" AT YOUR SCREEN - I CAN'T HEAR YOU... nevermind that I feel/felt/am a little desperate to be what I think I look like (of couse that person doesn't have children and hasn't aged since.... well, since 1999 or so.... even though I am a devasting beauty now... STOP LAUGHING!!!!!

so, I politely (believe it or not) told her I would not be ordering and would no longer continue with the program. her retort was well I'll be keeping in touch with you throughout the rest of your 12 week program just to check up (which in sales person speak means "to see if your dumbass has gained the weight back and guilted yourself into changing your patheticly deluded mind")

doesn't mean I need to answer the damn phone. I feel a change of my phone number coming on.... dammit!!

oh yea... and the 10lbs I lost... will probably be making a comeback tour... I'm selling t-shirts... come on you know you want one!!!

Dieting... AGAIN

I started a diet last month.. March 14th. I've lost 10 lbs. I don't want to eat.. I get full much faster than normal. In the fine print... stay away from Candy and Ice cream. WHAT???!!! but... but... but... it's chocolate season again... and the jelly beans are starting to bloom too??? wimper... =(
If they had told me I couldn't chew sugarless gum.... I would've asked for a refund. A chewer just can't stop cold turkey!!! I mean, damn I'm up to three packs a day!!

I am tired. I want to give up. Hubby's hours at work have cut back over 20 hours, needless to say the pay didn't stay the same. Bills are mounting. I've taken the 2nd job, but am only paid monthly - I know, I understand that it hasn't been a month yet but unless something changes with it... well let's just say it's not alot.. I mean sure it's only a few hours a day, I know I haven't been specific so here is a confession my 2nd job is a newspaper route(and I'll be the first one to tell you, I LOVE IT!), so I don't expect alot. But I'm trying to fill in the Grand Canyon here... UGH! weep.

I'm okay until I actually go to pay the bills... I just want to do something. He called someone that he'd talked to after his first wife took him to the cleaners. That guy wanted 6months worth of everything, (bills, bankstatements, you name it.) Yes we could have made different choices. But, We didn't, and now... well it's upsetting. I've never felt like this in my life.

Just thinking and crying.. thank you for listening.

So much going on...

Since I haven't been here in a couple of weeks... it's time for a catch up - please bare with me as I pull the cobwebs away from my blog. =)
In no particular order -
Second job - going well... going to bed between 7pm and 10pm (depending on just how well I can listen to myself say GO TO BED) up at 230AM (no, that's not a typo) Work for about 3 hours and then back home. Blog or facebook for a bit.. nap if needed and then to work for the daylight hours. I love my second job.. LuLu goes with me, during the week... She sleeps mostly occasionally waking up to ask me 3 year old questions... like "why is the moon so bright?" and my favorite so far "Do you want me to sing for you, Mommy?" I'm like 3AM and you're wanting to sing?? She gets through the first few bars of a Valentine's Day song that she made up and ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz Punk goes with me on his weekends here. He says he loves going with me and I really enjoy having him out there... we cut up and have a great time... On one of his first nights at work with me a Phil Collins song came on the radio... "In the night" well, we tried to Redneck it up. It was hilarious! "I can feel it coming, yea in the night... (that's with a long "I") OH LORD!! OH, LORD!!" yea... sounded like we hadn't seen a street light in several years.. good stuff!!!
Punk - well, I usually don't post alot about Punk.. and mostly well it's because I really don't want to put stuff on my blog that would reflect negatively on him. But there was a post recently that mentioned that I didn't say anything about him and the long and short of it was this "Anonymous" (whatever) person (yea, right) said it was hard to believe that I even had a son as much as I gush over my daughter!? Now, I'm not going to relive the image I had of beating the hell out of this particular person with my damn laptop... But first - IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY - DO NOT HIDE BEHIND "ANONYMOUS" YOU CHICKEN SHIT PIECE OF JUDGEMENTAL TRASH! Oh sorry was that in CAPS... (muttering>>>> stupid fucker!) If you have something so say... FUCKING SAY IT or better yet MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS sure I have ideas who said it.. because it just so happens that NOTHING was ever posted like that until I signed up for facebook. but... I've let it go. My chiropractor says I shouldn't hold grudges... little does she know that's one of the first things you're taught as a child in my family. In fact its the formaldehyde that's keeping my grandmother alive! Now, that I've vented... let me tell you what I was going to say... PUNK - well, his name here came from a name that I called him when he was my tiny little baby... "chunky punk" and well I was 20, it rhymed and he was anything but chunky. Anyway, Punk has decided to NOT turn in any school work. Apparently, he's also decided that every time he is with his Dad and StepMom that he should talk about wanting to move in with them. Then when he is here he gives me the "They won't stop talking about me moving up there, and I'm sick of hearing it, and I don't know what to do." And my personal favorite, "She talks to me about moving up there when Dad isn't around, She said all we had to do was go to court and it would be fine" I have literally dated people that didn't mess with my freakin' head as much as MY FIRST BORN messes with my head! WTF!!! I didn't drop him on his head, I promise!! Now, Ex and Step are talking about a counselor for Punk, citing that he was an A/B student last year and this year he's D/F. Not to mention the obvious crap he's pulling with trying to pit the two families against each other. He's even gone so far as to talk about how Ex and Step don't have any children and he thinks that because we have LuLu that I'm not able to pay as much attention to him.. or I won't help him with his homework - when in reality, he hides in his room, erases his assignments from his assignment book, or says he completed the assignment at school, or doesn't even bother to ask if I can look at or help him with something. By the way, this has been going on all school year. He would get to a point that he was caught up and then BAM!! I get an email from his assistant teacher.. "Punk has 5 zeros in history, When I asked him about it, He just laughed, I'm concerned." If I'd pulled half the shit he's pulled, I'd be dead. The stuff he's done isn't horrible I understand that, I mean he hasn't stolen a car or gotten in fights, etc. But, OMG... A woman that I confide in at work says that I should back off... if he wants to 'not do it' just let him. And I'm with her to an extent. But I'm telling you right now... I feel that Ex and Step would go crazy if I said... "you know what, he's dug the hole, let him get himself out of it." or take me to court for custody and say that I didn't care enough to put a stop to my own son being a dumbass... pity that I feel that I have to censor myself because I believe I know who the anonymous poster is... by the way, if you're reading this... really ANONYMOUS - WTF??? again, STUPID FUCKER! So, I'm trying to find a counselor for Punk. I'm trying to make sure on a daily basis that he does his homework.. I have to ask him to show me the assignment book everyday, and his work that matches it everyday... then I have to ask him if the teacher gave him anything else to bring home, because apparently when I ask him for his homework that is a sign to him that I didn't ask for anything else and he shouldn't automatically give me the other papers that aren't homework. (in my observation of the male of the species - they learn a "specific question" behavior. this keeps them from giving too much information to quickly. this is in turn gives the female of the species an unspoken permission to do several things... 1. scream 2. take up boxing, running and/or firearms (sniper style) 3. become a lesbian 4. wonder how/why the hell??? 5. pray for sanity) 6. drink heavily 7. participate in verbal bashing of the males of the species oh, wait I forgot... and 8. shop!) Sigh, Breathe...
Normal work, is another story... busy, busy, busy... pray, pray, pray (that after 11 years, and being bought out, that I don't find myself jobless)
well, that's the last few weeks in a nutshell (and a full nutshell at that)

See if you like it.. day two

I'm back this morning early, after another day of "see if you like it" watched the sunrise, which it looks like I'll be doing alot of with this type of schedule. Logged on and looked out to see snow falling. mental note.. put an extra sweater in the car... or maybe a small blanket. Trying to make myself stay awake because during the week I'll be getting everyone ready for school and what not rather than taking a nap when I get home... don't want to get a routine started that I won't be able to follow through with.
tomorrow I'll meet for my first day of "training" and hopefully go sign some papers later in the day to make it official.

See if you like it..

My sleep pattern is forcibly changing because of my second job. I'm going to bed now at 8pm, which is much different than the 1 to 2am that I was used to. I've always gotten sleepy at around 7pm though. (Once when I was out with "The Guy" I yawned and he jokingly said "ok, if you're gonna do that I'll just take ya home. didn't stop me yawning though... haha)
So, I just got back from my first of two nights "to see if I like it" (the 2nd job) and I do. So, next week I'll train for 5 days then go solo.
Hopefully it'll add the extra umph that we need here at home. I don't want to do anything drastic but you know how sometimes you just feel something... well I feel something drastic. Times are making me want to turn everything off. Cancel the tv, the house phone (which we have for ex to call punk), anything and everything I can get my hands on... I don't know but when I feel strapped for cash I look around and just feel like everything is spending money.
I called my chiropractor after my third visit... I know I need it but I can't afford $300 a month to see her and then wait on my insurance to reimburse me! My health will just have to wait. She says if I keep doing the Morter March that she taught me and saying my positive statements it should help until I can get back to her...
Oh, and Hubby says when he picks a new job (his jobs are reassigned every April and October months whether someone demands a trade or not) if he can't get the hours we're used to that he will get a 2nd job with me. Which will be nice, because with the cut in hours that he took it was like loosing nearly two full checks a month.
I know that people are worse off than we are. I just hate that we've gotten ourselves in this predicament - but that's what happens when you think you're job will always be there, I guess.

Chiropractor...

I have been having horrible neck and back pain... for well over a month. Nothing made it any better and it seemed to be getting worse. I've been thinking about going to a chiropractor and one day last week a friend of mine showed up at my desk telling me about the chiropractor she's seeing. Well, colour me referred!
I called, they apparently thought my cry for help warranted an immediate appointment. I went in yesterday for the paperwork, etc. She also did x-rays and offered insight into what may be ailing me.. A few things that she mentioned was that I was delivered by forceps. I know it sounds... well WAY out there... but she said that being forcefully pulled from the nice warm cave that I had grown comfortably in also pulled apart well stuff that I needed. Anyway... I'm not having the best time personally right now.. so... I had a total melt down. I felt like all at once I'd just been told from the very beginning of my life I had had no control over anything, people taking liberties they felt were right. Natural delivery or let's pull all her little connectors apart and screw her up from the start? Breast or Bottle? Will dad continue to smoke in my presence or "It ain't hurtin' me"? - Then she started talking about the studies that had been done and that were linking forceps delivered babies to ADD/ADHD. and all over again... with the breakdown... now I've done the same thing to my son that was done to me out of pure ignorance.. and I'm no better than my mother and blaming myself that I should've known better (at 20), geesh... Then telling me how I need to learn to be more positive and begin a forgiveness process. That after 33 years of packing all these emotions down, of being negative, of being well being how I was raised - that now... I have to retrain myself. (yes, I've known this for sometime. but to hear it from someone outside my head is a little startling)
I went in today to read the xrays and for my first adjustment. It was very different from the last time I went to a chiropractor. The last time... he shocked me some.. then lay me and crack me. Once I thought he started from across the room, took a run and landed on my back. Oh, but yes... it felt much better.
Today, after we read the xrays she explained what she would be doing today for my first adjustment. My version is... There was no cracking... there was no sounds of me being a landing pad.. what there was instead...was pressure points.
Now remember that I went in complaining of back and neck pain. Well, she started with the pressure points on the side of my knees?? anyway... I had no idea that there was pain there... but, Holy Crap! there was! And lots of it! because the pain didn't dissipate while she worked on me, She said she would continue to work on that area. She also gave me words, numbers and thoughts to focus on. I go back on Thursday and I'll leave you with today's words.. pleasurable and enjoyment

There's Eleven of US....

I was in a store today that I love to go to... a little country store. It's called Meggie's Merchantile. She has country things for your home. Tableclothes, Napkins, Hand Towels... candles. They also sell tables, cabinets and curios...etc.
There was a woman asking about a table.. I couldn't help but over hearing... "We're looking for sort of a big table. There are eleven of us..."
I nearly stroked out... I keep hearing and seeing more and more of these super women and their gianormas families. Who are they? Where do they come from? What does their spouse do?

Jealous? Sure, I'll admit it... I used to think I was that "put together" that I could do anything... but good lord... "there's eleven of us" I mean really... who are these eleven people? the grandparents? Adopted kids? foreign exchange students? foster kids?

2008, My Health...

I'd been having headaches since August of 2007. Migraines, mind numbing, tortuous, can't keep my eyes open... headaches. Keep in mind this was also during my stint of having the IUD in. (conclusion IUDs...... are from the devil.... No, No, No from the DEVIL) After I'd had the IUD removed and that area began to feel decidedly better, I came to the conclusion that the migraines I was experiencing wasn't referred pain.
So, I took myself to the almighty legal drugdealer. Who then, in turn, sent me to someone "better" than he. After a CT scan, she told me that I had a deviated septum and a bone spur that would have to be corrected. Let me say that again.... a bone spur... in my sinus cavity... Could this have happened during my birth... during a failed attempt at trying to walk... WTF? She showed me the scan, my cavity was so blocked that she'd never seen anything like it.
At any rate.... the morning of April 4th, I went under the... well... knife and for that matter the file! I came out a few hours later and went home. Hubby went on Daddy duty. I tried to sleep in bed and succeeded for the first day... I think... I really don't remember the next full week. What I do remember is the lovely little nose pad that we had to make for me and change everytime it was full.. and that for the first week I slept in the recliner in the livingroom and woke only long enough to take a Lortab and a sip of water and shut my eyes again.
Cut to June... I'm still having THE headaches... I've gotten a speeding ticket (which I fully blame on the migraines). Nothing is helping. I go to a neurologist, who sends me for an MRI. Finds nothing... by this time I'm believing the "no brain" joke there too. He puts me on an Anti-inflammatory and Amitriptyline. The Amitriptyline he described as an anti-depressant... "but we're using it to treat headaches." At the same time... my sinuses are going nuts... my allergist says... in JUNE that the polyps that were taken out of my sinus cavities have grown back. That I need to start taking the shots they'd prescribed as well as Zyrtec, Singulair, and Nasonex or it's just going to continue to get worse. And she predicted within another two to three months, I'd need to have another surgery.
Needless to say, I started the shots/meds and haven't had another surgery. I'm nearly convinced that the trees and grasses, in an effort to preserve themselves and the planet, have found a way to keep us sick... or at least me. Wait, that sounds like a movie but it also remarkably sounds like what is happening.
I began talking with my doctors, trying to get off the meds... at least the Amitriptyline... it wasn't doing anything for me. I was still having the headaches. So, why take the meds.
Between May and August I'd gained 40 lbs. I wasn't sleeping well, I wasn't eating well, moody, you-name-it. I had a sinus infection and you guessed it... went back to the first doctor. I broke down. I've felt so bad, so unhealthy for over a year... and I just can't take it anymore... I'm a mother of two... I need to be there mentally for them not just visibly. And what do you think he did.... Yep... here are some anti-depressants.. take those you'll feel better. oh, and by the way... I'll have an appointment set up for you to see this shrink.
Sure, I'm not saying that having someone to tell that I'm sick of doing everything that I've been doing for the last 20 years wouldn't help. But Good Grief..... do you honestly think that's what is wrong? Have I showed these symptoms before, in the five years that you've known me? Or is this your cure all... is the drug rep having a special on this one this month?

Who AM I?

So, It's like six months to a year between posts for me... Slacker! So, much happens, in six months, and yet... nothing at all.

Do you ever feel like you've changed... for everyone around you and not you?
Do you ever feel like you.... just don't feel right? something's wrong?
Do you ever feel like there's not enough time? never enough time? To much to do and you want to do nothing?
Do you ever worry that what you do or don't do will effect everyone around you? your children? your partner/spouse? coworkers?

Do you ever feel like you just.... want to cry? but can't.

Little pieces of me come out now and then. I'm trying to change for me now... but I'm not sure who .... I am. I've been so many people, mostly, I think because I wanted whoever I was with or near to like me... so I mirrored them. SICK, huh?! So... when you've been a mirror for the better part of god-knows-how-many-years.... how do you.... BE YOU?

It's almost 2:30AM, my daughter had pneumonia last week.. I'm tired for her, and for myself. I want to cry, but instead I think I'll just go to bed.

Times are Tough

So I get a call today. Apparently my dad and his mom during the course of opening a checking account also opened a credit line that she can use for overdraft protection. She, since then, has become completely unaware of this line of credit and what it was for. Anyway the call I got today was asking me to explain what this line of credit was and what I knew about it. Nothing of course, since I've barely spoken to my grandmother since she left my care a year and a half ago.


Then tonight, my dad asked me if we would be able to pay his bills untill he gets a few paychecks under his belt from his new job. (which will be his 3rd job since he's moved in with us three months ago)


Why? How? What have I done that makes people think that I have money to give away? My sister askes me for money almost every quarter. Hubby's mom askes him for money every phone call.

I know things are hard. I know times are tough. I know it is HUGE to swallow your pride and ask your daughter or son for money... but I really don't have it. I hope Kharma is understanding when it is my turn to be in a beggar's shoes.

I'm not turning these family members down because I don't want to help or because I don't trust them or don't think they need the help... I honestly don't have it. I've been in and out of doctors offices all year and most of last year. I've had surgery. Hubby is waiting til October to have his surgery on his next vacation - so that it's not so much time lost from work. And we just had to replace our heat pump and air conditioner - and it cost us $10,300 (which we had to put on credit!)

Catching up, Again.

More things to catch up on... I don't even know where to start.... so here goes.
I had made up my mind at the end of last year that I was in too much pain to continue dealing with my endometriosis. Went to my dr. discussed options and had decided to have a hysterectomy. (much to my drs. disappointment) A couple of weeks went by, I started talking to women going through the same pain and stress. I read up on hysterectomies and then I started reading up on IUDs. Alot of information is out there about IUDs and alot of it came back to the IUD actually causing my pain. I made another decision. Let's take the IUD out, see if the pain changes. If it doesn't then okay, if it does then we'll see. I went in told my dr what I wanted to do, he agreed. It was as though he literally pulled the pain away from my body when he took out the IUD!! I had been in such life altering pain before that... to the point that I had to force myself to function, or to get out of bed. It was a nightmare. The next few days were kind of a start over... a little bit of pain but nothing close to what I was used to. Then, after that.... nothing. Just nothing! No pain at all. I cancelled the hysterectomy and went on birth control pills and haven't had that kind of pain since.
Coupled with the bodyaches I started having major headaches in August. Daily headaches. I let them go.. didn't think much of it really. Until the first of the year rolled around and I was still having them. I finally decided to go to the dr about it. She set up an appointment for a CT scan. When that came back I went to a ENT specialist. She decided that, since my sinus cavaties were completely blocked, and since I had a deviated septum and a bone spur in my sinus cavaty, I should have surgery on my sinus to correct and empty them. I had surgery April 4th. Came home the same day, went to sleep and woke up for the next 7 days long enough to change the gauze under my nose and take another Loritab and go back to sleep. By the next thursday I was able to wakeup and stay awake for longer. Two days later my headaches were back. Nothing had changed. I went to a Neurologist in May. He put me on an anti-inflamitory and a low dose anti depressant that he says they prescribe for headaches and sleepless nights. He also sent me for an MRI, that came back clean. So we've found nothing wrong so far....
My dad moved in with us. He had been employed in textiles and his company did a layoff right after the 1st of the year... he knew it was coming... grapevine, you know. Anyway, he's been looking for a job... found a couple but nothing seems to be the right fit. He went to a job fair last week... and was offered a job building "freight cars for the railroad." He goes on Monday to take test to see if his body qualifies as well. Cross your fingers!
I'm still employed at the same bank. But my old boss asked me to come and work for him temporarily in the mortgage area. That was in Feburary, I'm still there... and I love it!
Summer's coming and once again our Air Conditioner is on the fritz. I had decided that we weren't going to turn the a/c on this year - try to do better for the planet and save a little money at the same time. Then the temperature hit the 90s! Hubby has to sleep during the day because of his work schedule. So he's sleeping during the hottest part of the day with literally no relief. We've had problems out of our Central Air every year since we bought the house. (and the house is only five years old) Hubby asked is Stepdad to come take a look at it the first year and has trusted him to handle it every year since. But I'm through with that. We're going to get professionals here and soon. We turned the a/c on Thursday of this week... upstairs once again doesn't work, downstairs does though... so we've been sleeping in the livingroom since Thursday... not comfortable.
I started my Flylady program again.. to try to keep my stress level down and to a minium. With the heat and hubby's schedule it's been difficult to do my zone work and keep up with what I'm supposed to be doing. But I'm trying... and that's what counts - Babysteps back to my routine!

well that's me in a nutshell... except for I can't decide whether or not to have another baby. There are alot of sides to the issue.. Money, Lulu needing a sibling younger than she is, my age, the state of the economy or lack there of, not to mention the normal worries of will I be able to do it basicly on my own since hubby works Monday through Friday from 10pm to 12pm... I really don't know what to do or if I want to do anything...

Rambles #2

Let's take some time to catch up...shall we? Alot has happened since the summer... I know I kind of fell off the face of the earth there for a while. Truth is I did what I always do (and probably always will do). I put too much on myself, had too much to do, started spinning around like a tornado trying to get everthing done and making a bigger mess of myself in the meantime. Anyway, I'm slowing down. I have to. My health has gotten a little worse. Although today was a "good" day for me, painwise.

Anyway, I digress. We.....

*traded in our Ford Freestyle for a (drum roll, please) Toyota FJ Cruiser. I know I know.. it's not helping my quest to go green but nothing that I found was going to meet my 4x4 needs and the "going green" needs too. So, I did the best I could. At any rate, I'm in complete lust over my truck!! I will post pictures soon.

* took down the hideous metal door that came on the house and put up a fantastic "dungeon" door! I'm also lusting after it.. It has a Speak Easy on it that actually works.. plus we didn't hook the door bell back up, because we would have had to have drilled a hole in the door jamb (sp) and I just couldn't handle the thought of a hole in my brand new very sexy door. And when hubby asked me what I thought we should do about the doorbell, He nearly lit up when I said don't put it back in!
* I changed jobs, I work for the same employer but a different position.... more importantly I no longer work six days a week!! and I no longer work any weekend days either!! My job is currently less stress than my previous job!
* I made this years christmas ornaments for the family. I decided to post pics of the ornaments so I'll take some this weekend and post 'em then. (I've already got some done for 2008) =)
* I READ A BOOK.. yes, me! I've been wanting to start reading and I decided to pick up Wicked by Gregory Maguire. I couldn't put it down. Loved it, loved it, loved it, loved it. read the sequel, Son of a Witch. Loved it, loved it, cried, loved it. And bought everything else he's written.
* My endometriosis has taken over. Something I haven't blogged about much before, but I'm going to try to keep track of my issues.. and I've decided to have surgery.