I'm not ready for this...

LuLu is 4yo now. And she's becoming more and more interested in the world around her... Why does Daddy have to work? Where is Punk? Why does Punk's daddy live far away... I miss him?
Some of these questions I have answers for... some I feel like an utter idiot for the kind of answer I have to give her... (Wait til your 30, Marry for love and only once... "do as I say" bullshit) and some of them... well alot of them are the sort of questions that make me have so many emotions that it's just hard to explain. Daydream with me a minute...

I picked up LuLu from the sitter yesterday. She toddled her little entirely-too-pink self to the car and crawled inside. "Did you have a good day at work, Mommy?" as if I could pour out my soul to her and she in return ready to bare the same for me... although I doubt the scuffle of her best friend, Jada, saying that Ryan was actually her boyfriend and not LuLu's would compare to my "if I make it to January" in the position rumor mill going on in my life. But somehow I made my day magically, "Yes, I had a really good day. What did you do today?", a basic lie. She was satisfied.
I decided to run to the library and check out a few books on CD, so that I'll have something besides the same 'ol music to listen to while doing my paper route and we'd get back home quickly.
Once home we changed into our pjs, like we always do and I started supper. LuLu normally helps if I'm making something with fresh veggies. Today she couldn't help though and occupied herself by "reading" a story to her 5 babies all conveniently named Sally.
I lost track of her for a few minutes, reading directions to a new 'box dinner" I was preparing.. (Cashew Chicken - yummy!) and she called for me from the bathroom. This usually means I have to wipe her bottom... she's currently only allowed to clean herself after she pee's. Anyway, I get into the bathroom to find her standing waiting for me. She looked up at me, smiled and then IT happened. She, standing with her legs shoulder width apart, bent her legs slightly, lunged her "lily' upward, spread the hood of her vagina open with her fingers and said... "What's this?" My eyes widened and I looked to see if she was pointing to a boo boo, a red lily... who knows what else... but only to find that she has discovered her clitoris!! (Really!? Do I really have to explain what that is!? NOW?! TO A 4 YEAR OLD??? And mind you... not just any 4 year old. This child has one helluva memory on her. To the point that I would almost bet, if she thought about it, could tell you what her own birth was like. So I know that whatever I tell her is going to be not only remembered but taken for gospel - which on a daily basis scares the livingshit out of me!)
I tried not to run, not to burst into laughter, not to 'poo poo' her question... the LAST thing I want is a child who's scared of their body... My first thought after that was "do I say clitoris to her?" then 'wait, if I say clitoris to her... she'll say clitoris to EVERYONE" I opted for the nearest thing to it that I could say without giving it an additional nickname "it's just a part of your lily, honey." Her imidiate response was one that I felt coming... "But it's so soft, Mommy... why is it so soft?" Good grief?! was the bathroom getting smaller? I felt like I was on one of those eerily silly tv shows with canned laughter and all cameras poised for my next response... "Well, it's soft because girls parts are supposed to be soft." Honest, to the point, good one, unfortunately... she determined that it was also deserving a response and I hadn't anticpated it until she began to speak again.. "Ick, and boys parts are NOT soft, Mommy!"
Sigh! Touche my darling!

It's been difficult for me to post anything to my blog. I don't have access from work anymore, because our computer time is logged including emails. So that's out. And well, as I've said before.. I really don't have time to do anything at home and I'm trying to squeeze in time to clean.
I'm not used to not having time to clean. I'd had everything down to a science before I got the second job. Well, before I had LuLu anyway...
It's amazing how stressed I get over work, money, lack of time, etc. It's just as amazing how much better cleaning my home makes me feel. Weird, huh?!
Punk is coming back in a week! I can't wait! I've missed him so badly. It'll be nice just to have him where I can see him again. His birthday is Saturday. He'll be 13. I asked him what he'd like for his birthday and he couldn't name anything. So, I've been thinking of getting something. There's one thing that I had in mind. Well, at least one thing that's not incredibly expensive... but we'll have to see how it goes.
My first job is still up in the air... from what people are saying -- we won't really know for sure that we actually have a job until well after January.
Also, I'm trying to come up with a way to show Punk about earning money and paying bills Without using my actual money or bills.
Well, it's 9pm and I have to be up at 1:45AM...

Busy lady

I've been delivering papers since March. I love it... I have to tell you... the night air, the peace, the clean open sky. Very peaceful, very me. I'm trying to fit everything in, still. My schedule is a hectic one.. let me give you a look.
primary job (monday/friday) - 8:30AM til 5:00PM
LuLu has to be picked up from daycare by 5:30PM
secondary job (daily) - 2:30AM to (usually)5:00AM
I've been trying to stay up when I get home from the route to clean house... I don't feel "right" unless the house is cleaned and for that matter cleaned the way I like it to be cleaned. It's difficult to stay up, mostly because I get in bed late the night before because Hubby doesn't go to work until after 9PM and I really should be getting in bed nearing 7PM.
School starts again soon. Punk comes home from his summer with his Dad on 08-16. He'll start school on 08-24. We tried to put LuLu in school but they won't make any exceptions to their 'you have to be 5yo" rule.
We got LuLu a library card recently. She adores reading, well I guess I should say she adores being read to. Each week we get between 5 and 7 books (enough to last a week) and each night I read a book to her before we go to bed. She's been sleeping with me since Punk's been gone and Hubby's at work... so it's been like a slumber party this summer. She's such a chatter box... hahaha... most of her breath between words is chatter.
I've been reading alot more too, this summer. I'm waiting on the next installment of two series that I'm in the middle of.
At this point, I keep nodding off so I'm taking a nap.. g'night.