a quarter for your troubles

I ran to the bathroom, quarter in hand.  I'd brought nothing from home, my purse had nothing to offer.  The spoils of not having a loving wife of my own, to remind me of every little thing I need to live through the day.   I put the quarter in the slot, turn the shiny metal knob and presto... expecting to find help, relief even... I receive what I would call a "trainer tampon."  This pathetic little thing, wrapped in paper, with a cardboard applicator.   UGH are you serious, have I fallen into some sort of time warp, gotten my wish and gone back to relive the stupid shit that I've done in the past, they gave these away in 6th grade!!    A quarter?! for this?!
I'm a mother of two, a wife even, a grown woman.... this thing couldn't catch muchless hold a drop of water in a flood.  I'd do better to take it apart and use it as a Q-tip (no offense to Q-tips) Give me a break!  I want something worth this precious quarter, something worth my trustt!!  i wouldn't be giving you this quarter if it weren't an emergency.  But then to be robbed by given this??  I would pay more if needed... I mean I'm sure anyone would.. after all you get what you pay for, right?
Furthermore, I believe that whoever decided that public restrooms shouldn't be designed with sinks inside the stalls should be hung by their pinky toes and beaten to death with this tiny tampon.   Sure I understand that they would acutally have to think about it, have been in contact with a woman inside a public restroom at some point, or maybe even have form some sort of study group that included actual women....
Study group A - performed well while using the public restroom w/ public sinks
Study group B - performed exceptionally while using the public restroom with placebo private sinks
Study group C - unbelievably was in and out of each restroom equiped with private sinks in less than 2.5 minutes.   setting a new record for women, Guiness Book of Records has been contacted.